GROWING IN LOVE VS. FALLING IN LOVE
BEFORE MEETING MY PARTNER, I WAS THE QUINTESSENTIAL PERSON WHO FELL IN LOVE – IT WAS THRILLING, PASSIONATE, AND OFTEN PROFOUNDLY UNHEALTHY. AS A SELF-PROCLAIMED HOPELESS ROMANTIC, I BELIEVED IN THE CONCEPT OF "JUST KNOWING," A NOTION I CLUNG TO UNTIL I REALISED THAT THIS SO-CALLED INTUITION WAS FREQUENTLY JUST TRAUMA IN DISGUISE.
Falling in love, for me, was an intense experience that often left me emotionally drained and heartbroken. I mistook the rush of infatuation and lust for true connection, not realising that my nervous system was essentially saying, "this feels familiar." This pattern, as I came to understand, was not about finding a soulmate but about reenacting past traumas and unresolved emotional issues. Doh!
My perspective on love and relationships began to shift when I met my current partner. Our meeting was unlike any of my previous experiences; it happened in a co-working space during the COVID-19 pandemic. He was on level 3, and I was on level 1. It wasn't love at first sight but rather a gradual process of getting to know each other. I observed how he interacted with his staff and other members of the co-working space, which gave me insights into his values and way of relating to people.
Unlike my previous relationships, there was no instant spark, no whirlwind romance. Instead, what we had was a slow burn that started off as a friendship. Over time, I learned about his kindness, his integrity, and his hilarious sense of humour. It was a connection built on mutual respect and understanding, far from the tumultuous and superficial nature of my past relationships. Fast forward 2.5 years, he’s not just my partner but my best friend, and together we’ve transitioned from being a couple to the proud parents of our golden retriever, Harley.
It’s important to note that my partner now is by no means what I would have previously described as my "type”. In the past, I was often drawn to partners based on an immediate sense of charisma and allure, traits that initially seemed exciting and captivating. You know, the usual type who did a big song and dance to catch your attention? However, my relationship with Nick has shifted my perspective significantly. Despite the fact that he wears Crocs and plays golf, as I grew to know him I came to appreciate the profound yet subtle value of his character. I now know true connection goes beyond the superficial traits we often get caught up in. It's about the depth of a person's character, things like their values, and the way they treat others.
The idea of falling in love is so deeply ingrained in our society, fuelled by music, books, movies, and the media. We are conditioned to seek that dramatic, sweep-you-off-your-feet kind of love. But I've learned that rather than "falling" in love, we should aim to consciously and intentionally rise in love. This means engaging in relationships that are nurturing, stable, and grounded in mutual respect and understanding.
To rise in love, we must first rewire our beliefs and nervous system about love. It involves recognising and breaking free from unhealthy patterns, understanding our emotional needs, and being open to a more healthy and sustainable form of love. It means moving away from the intoxicating but often toxic dynamics of falling in love and embracing a more mature, stable form of connection.
This doesn't mean that passion and romance are off the table. In fact, growing in love with someone can be incredibly passionate and deeply, if not even more, romantic. The difference lies in the foundation upon which this passion is built – a foundation of trust, mutual respect, and a deep understanding of each other's values and needs.
No relationship is perfect, but growing in love has taught me the beauty of a steady, nurturing relationship over the chaos of falling in love. It's a lesson in patience, understanding, and the importance of building a connection that is not just emotionally fulfilling but also healthy and sustainable.
What are your thoughts? Do you prefer the idea of growing or falling in love?