UNDERSTANDING ATTACHMENT STYLES AND THEIR NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSES

27 Oct

THIS WEEK'S NEWSLETTER DIVES DEEP INTO THE INTRICATE INTERPLAY BETWEEN OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM AND THE WAY WE CONNECT WITH OTHERS. WE EXPLORE THE PROFOUND INFLUENCE OF ATTACHMENT STYLES ON OUR REACTIONS AND HOW UNDERSTANDING THEM CAN TRANSFORM OUR INTERACTIONS. FIND OUT HOW TO BUILD A SENSE OF SECURITY BOTH WITHIN AND WITH OTHERS.

Last week, I took a deliberate pause from the weekly newsletter. The chaos unfolding between Israel and Palestine weighed heavily on my heart, and the constant flood of news left me feeling drained. It gave me a moment to really think about how our nervous system reactions impact our relationships.

The Nervous System

Our nervous system, a complex web of connections, constantly scans our internal and external worlds. Intriguingly, it’s functioning varies based on our attachment styles. These styles, often rooted in early experiences, shape our approach to relationships.

Understanding Attachment Styles and Their Nervous System Responses

1. Anxious Attachment:
Individuals with anxious attachment often become hyper-alert to potential threats to their relationship. Their nervous system can cause them to seek reassurance and closeness from their partner obsessively, fearing abandonment or rejection.

2. Avoidant Attachment:
When activated, the nervous system of someone with an avoidant attachment might prompt them to distance themselves from their partner. They may shut down emotionally, avoiding intimacy and potential vulnerability, as a protective measure.

3. Secure Attachment:
Those with secure attachment typically exhibit a balanced response when their nervous system is activated. They are likely to communicate their feelings openly and seek resolution, trusting in the stability of their relationship.

4. Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment:
Individuals with this attachment style can exhibit erratic responses when their nervous system is activated. They may oscillate between a desperate need for closeness and an intense desire to push their partner away, stemming from past traumas and conflicting desires for intimacy and safety.

Recognising the differences in nervous system responses based on attachment styles can revolutionise our communication. The key? Adaptation. If your partner has a different attachment style, tailoring your communication to resonate with their nervous system can deepen the connection.

Choosing with Awareness

The more we understand the intricate interplay between our nervous systems and attachment style, the better equipped we are in our relationships. It's either choosing a partner whose attachment style complements ours or working with existing partners to create a secure bond.

In a securely attached relationship, both partners feel safe to express their needs, fears, and desires without judgment. Imagine, instead of a cycle where one partner's nervous system activation triggers the other's, leading to things like arguments and disconnection, you have a cycle of co-regulation where one partner recognises the other's activation and instead offers love, support, grounding, and understanding.

This secure base allows individuals to grow, both personally and as a couple. However, in order to reach this place of security, we first have to develop a secure relationship with ourselves. Once we do this, our external relationships then start to mirror that sense of security.

This means understanding our own triggers, our values, our needs, and ours boundaries, as well as practicing self-compassion, recognsing as humans, we can’t always be perfectly content and composed all the time.

Then the idea is that when it comes to our romantic relationships, we try to create a sense of security together. This doesn’t mean just seeking a partner who provides security, but also being that secure base for them. It's about things like mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

But in order to do this we need to understand the nuances of our attachment style and how our nervous system responds to stressors because the more we do, the more informed we are and empowered we become in our relationships.

Our relationships, in many ways, are a reflection of our internal worlds. By nurturing our nervous system and understanding its deep connection with our attachment styles, we pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. So, what is your nervous system trying to tell you?