5 WAYS TO OVERCOME FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
LAST WEEK I POSTED THAT FROM NOW ON I WILL BE PROVIDING ANSWERS TO SOME OF THE MOST COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS THAT I RECEIVE FROM MY CLIENTS IN OUR SESSIONS TOGETHER EACH WEEK.
THIS WEEK, A CLIENT WHO WAS ABANDONED BY BOTH HER PARENTS AS A YOUNG GIRL ASKED HOW TO OVERCOME HER FEAR OF ABANDONMENT IN HER ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.
CONTINUE READING FOR THE ANSWER.
To set the context, this client just broke up with her partner of 6 years. Toward the very end of their relationship, her partner started to grow distant. This led to two major fights where my client lost control of her emotions and became hysterical.
We unpacked both fights in our sessions together and my client came to realise that her reaction had been disproportionate to the situation at hand.
It then became apparent that the threat of her partner pulling away triggered her abandonment wounds from her childhood and resulted in her projecting her past hurt and suppressed fears and emotions onto him. As the saying goes, “the more hysterical, the more historical”.
Knowing this, together we were able to explore the different ways she can heal from her fear of abandonment which I’ve included below.
What is an abandonment wound?
An abandonment wound is a type of inner child wound that is created due to some form of childhood emotional or physical neglect, abuse, invalidation, or inconsistent affection or intimacy.
This can cause the abandoned child to form a belief that they’re not lovable, that something is wrong with them, that the world isn’t safe, that they can’t trust love, that they have to navigate life on their own, or that they have to behave a certain way in order to receive love.
It can also result in a deep-seated fear of being rejected, left, cheated on, or ending up alone. This is why abandonment wounds are the most apparent when someone enters a romantic relationship.
Examples of traumatic events that can cause an abandonment wound include:
Divorce
A parent moving far away
Addiction
A parent dying
Never knowing one or both parents
Being adopted
Inconsistent behaviour from one or both parents
Having a parent dismiss or criticise you
Having a parent who does not make time for you
Not feeling understood or supported by your parents
How fear of abandonment harms relationships:
If left unaddressed, a fear of being abandoned can harm relationships in the following ways:
A fear of abandonment can cause self-abandonment: Bending to meet your partner's expectations at the expense of your own wants and needs out of fear of being left or ending up alone. This can also look like prioritising your partner's plans and interests over your own e.g., no longer making time for your friends or hobbies.
A fear of abandonment can be a self-fulfilling prophecy: Catastrophizing events and reacting in a way that results in the very outcome you’re seeking to avoid. For example, assuming that your partner will cheat on you every time they go out might cause you to become clingy and overly sensitive which might turn them off and push them away entirely. Or convincing yourself that your partner will one day leave you and constantly looking for signs that they’re pulling away in order to justify this belief or prove yourself right.
A fear of abandonment can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics: Seeking out partners who mirror the same patterns of behaviour you experienced growing up and in turn confirming all of your doubts, fears, and expectations about not being good enough, worthy of healthy love, or ending up alone. Another example is getting attached to other people too quickly and becoming emotionally dependent on them or avoiding relationships all together out of fear of getting hurt.
5 ways to overcome a fear of abandonment
Recognise patterns that are no longer serving you: As creatures of habit, we gravitate toward the familiar even if it doesn't us happy. Ask yourself what your patterns are trying to teach you. Our patterns are unique to us and so are the lessons that come with them. With intention and willingness, we can begin to see the ways in which our partners and the behaviours we indulge in are revealing the parts of us that require healing. To transform our relationships for the better we need to stop repeating the patterns we are ready to transcend. For example, pursuing or even chasing unavailable love, losing or even relinquishing your identity in a relationship, or freaking out and wanting to attach more when people appear to pull away.
Redirect the focus back onto yourself: Often people with an abandonment wound end up in co-dependant relationships or exhibit people-pleasing tendencies. It is important to step into your power by redirecting your attention back onto your needs and well-being rather than constantly being consumed by what your partner is thinking and feeling. Try to also recognise that only you are responsible for your emotions and reactions rather than turning to your partner to fix them, even if they were the ones to trigger them in the first place.
Soothe your inner child: When you are in a heightened state where you feel triggered, take a pause and try to trace the feeling back to a specific childhood event. In doing so, you may realise that the incident taking place in the present might be reminiscent of a past experience. For example, your partner suddenly having to work late most nights might cause you to feel frustrated or rejected. This might manifest in a childlike way, with you having an emotional outburst similar to a tantrum or slamming doors mid-conversation. If you try to link those feelings and behaviours with a situation from your past, you might realise that your partner’s need to work late made you feel the same way your absent father would whenever he cancelled plans or didn’t show up for important events due to work commitments. In those moments, use positive affirmations to try to reassure your inner child that he/she is safe and there is no need to self-protect or defend. Try to refrain from reacting and instead take a step back from the situation to explore different techniques to calm your nervous system down including breathwork (meditation, box breathing) and body movement (exercise, stretching). Journaling is also a powerful exercise that helps express your fears and concerns as well channel your inner child in order to sort through any unhelpful patterns that began through childhood.
Don’t believe everything you think and feel: It is one thing to identify with our thoughts and feelings and another to mistake those thoughts and feelings for reality. For example, “I feel bad, therefore things are bad”. When feeling overwhelmed, it is important to challenge our negative thoughts and limiting beliefs and give the person we are involved with the benefit of the doubt. Just because you might feel like your partner is no longer attracted to you because they didn’t want to have sex with you when they were tired doesn’t necessarily mean it is true. Unless you are able to prove that what you are thinking and feeling is backed by evidence, do not take it on at face value, act on it, or let it come between you. Instead of assuming or attacking, confide in your partner or seek out an outside perspective.
Nurture safe and healthy relationships: Those with abandonment wounds have typically experienced a lot of trauma and instability in their closest relationships throughout their lives. Rather than falling into relationships that model what you’ve witnessed growing up, try to take on a more intentional approach to dating by becoming aware of what your core values, needs, expectations, boundaries, and deal breakers are. This will help to choose partners who are in alignment with what you are looking for and support you in feeling safe and being your authentic self.
Remember that overcoming a fear of abandonment is not an overnight job. However, by following the above steps, in time you should start to realise that not all people will betray you and not all relationships will end tragically.
The answer to next week’s question will be hitting your inbox on the same day at the same time so keep an eye out for it and share it with the people in your life that you think will benefit the most from reading it!
NC x
Nicole is a certified dating and relationship coach who specialises in helping people navigate the complex world of modern love and dating as well as attract and cultivate healthy relationships. Her areas of focus include mindset, attachment, trauma, relationship patterning, inner child and abandonment wounds, communication, conflict management, trust issues, confidence, co-dependency, boundary work, breakups, and infidelity.
