HOW DO I ASK FOR WHAT I WANT IN MY RELATIONSHIP?
THIS WEEK'S NEWSLETTER DELVES INTO THE ART AND SCIENCE OF EXPRESSING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIPS, A CHALLENGE FACED BY MANY. DRAWING FROM RENOWNED PUBLICATIONS LIKE 'ATTACHED' AND INSIGHTS BY JOHN GRAY, WE UNCOVER HOW SOCIETAL NORMS AND ATTACHMENT STYLES INFLUENCE OUR COMMUNICATION. DIVE IN AND UNLOCK THE SECRETS TO GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Have you ever felt voiceless in your relationship? Or that your desires and needs went unspoken and unmet? If you nodded in agreement, you're part of the 70% of couples that admit to struggling with expressing their needs.
Today, we're delving deep into the crux of asking for what you want in a relationship. To start, let’s reflect on this quote from the book ‘Attached’:
"Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, they usually turn their attention outward. This is the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”
Neglecting our emotional needs can become a breeding ground for feelings of anxiety, frustration, and resentment. To avoid this, it's crucial to recognise and communicate our needs transparently.
Historically, societal constructs have moulded our perceptions about expressing our needs. From media to education, subtle cues about how we should act abound. Men as stoic providers, women as accommodating nurturers. These roles, while traditional, can sometimes constrain our authentic expressions.
It's high time we move past these antiquated norms and foster relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and authentic connection. This means shedding societal conditioning and embracing our unique desires in a manner that respects both ourselves and our partners.
Central to this journey is the act of voicing our needs. Psychological studies emphasise the importance of expressing our needs for relationship wellness. Yet, the societal fabric often silences women and men in different ways, as John Gray illustrates in his book, ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’.
For instance, women might suppress their needs fearing rejection, while men often tie their identity to giving and need acceptance, respect, and trust to do so.
Consider this common scenario: A woman shares her workplace woes, hoping for empathy. The man, in an effort to help, offers solutions, causing frustration. This dynamic is hilariously captured in the video "It's Not About the Nail". The crux? It's not always about fixing problems but about understanding and empathising.
So, how do you pitch your needs effectively?
Be clear and specific: Avoid vagueness. "I'd love a date night every Friday. It makes me feel valued."
Express positive feelings: Focus on appreciation. "Thanks for helping with the dishes. Can it be regular?"
Use 'I' statements: Speak from your perspective. "I feel unheard when we discuss my job."
Avoid criticism: Stay constructive. "I get anxious when you don't text back. Can we keep in touch more?"
Ask openly and be flexible: Open dialogue over demands. "How do you feel about visiting my family this summer?"
It's important to remember it's not just about asking for what we want but how we ask for it. Understanding each other's unique needs and communication styles can make the process smoother and more fulfilling.
Once you ask for what you want it's also super important to form an agreement with your partner about it. Forming agreements around your needs isn't merely a one-and-done conversation. It's an ongoing dialogue, a negotiation of sorts, where both partners' needs are considered and honoured. This is where your communication style and approach can genuinely make or break your success.
Example 1: Let's say one partner wants more quality time together, while the other values having personal space. A clear agreement might look like scheduling regular date nights while also designating specific nights for time alone. This can create a balanced dynamic that honours both desires.
Example 2: If one partner has a more anxious attachment style and needs more reassurance, while the other tends to be more avoidant and values independence, an agreement might involve regular check-ins or specific words and actions that provide reassurance without smothering.
By understanding and respecting these different attachment styles, couples can create agreements that truly work for them. It’s important to note that this isn't about changing who you are; it's about recognising your unique needs and finding a way to honour them within the relationship.
Keep in mind though, agreements are not set in stone. They should be revisited and renegotiated as needed, especially as the relationships grows and evolves
Relationships don’t need to be a tug of war. A realm exists where giving and receiving can coexist, devoid of guilt. A place where roles seamlessly shift, allowing both partners to revel in giving and receiving. But remember, you're only as needy as your unmet needs. It's not selfish to ask for what you want; it's actually essential for a healthy and happy partnership. So, learn to ask for what you want, take up your space, and trust in the balance of both giving and receiving.
Until next week!
Nicole is a certified trauma-informed dating and relationship coach who specialises in helping people navigate the complex world of modern love and dating as well as attract and cultivate healthy relationships. Her areas of focus include mindset, attachment, trauma, relationship patterning, inner child and abandonment wounds, communication, conflict management, trust issues, confidence, co-dependency, boundary work, breakups, and infidelity.
