WHY CAN’T I STOP THINKING ABOUT MY EX?
EVER WONDERED WHY YOU FEEL PHYSICALLY PAINED, OBSESSIVELY CHECK YOUR EX'S SOCIAL MEDIA, OR EVEN FANTASISE ABOUT THEM DAYS, WEEKS, OR MONTHS AFTER THE BREAKUP? IT'S NOT JUST EMOTIONAL TURMOIL; IT'S BIOCHEMISTRY. IN THIS WEEK'S NEWSLETTER, DISCOVER WHY YOUR BRAIN IS ACTING LIKE AN "EXAHOLIC" AND GET ACTIONABLE, NEUROSCIENCE-BACKED STEPS TO REGAIN YOUR EMOTIONAL FREEDOM. CURIOUS? KEEP READING.
Imagine you're going through a time when you can't eat, can't sleep, and can't focus on anything other than your ex. Your days are consumed by an insatiable need to check their social media or fantasise about them. You even feel physical pain, as though you're withdrawing from a powerful substance. It's as if you've become an "exaholic," addicted to the mere thought of your former love. Sound familiar?
The Science of Love and Heartbreak
Understanding the physiological mechanisms behind your obsessive thoughts can be the first step toward healing.
1. Dopamine Overload
In love, your brain gets flooded with dopamine—a neurotransmitter that activates the reward center in the brain. Studies by neuroscientist Helen Fisher have shown that the brain of a person in love looks remarkably similar to a brain on drugs. When the relationship ends, your mind craves that lost dopamine fix, making it hard to let go. It's your brain's way of seeking a "hit" of an emotional high that you're no longer getting.
2. Selective Memory
Ever wonder why, after a breakup, you only remember the good times? A 2013 study published in the journal Psychological Science found that our memories are influenced by our emotional state. Post-breakup, your brain is wired to remember the good times, a protective mechanism against emotional pain. Your emotional brain is working overtime to protect you from emotional pain, idealising your ex even when logic says otherwise.
3. Love is an Addiction
According to research by Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University, love triggers the same brain regions as addictive substances like drugs, alcohol, and sugar. So, essentially, you're biochemically predisposed to get "hooked" on your ex.
4. Relationship Withdrawal
Feeling distracted, unable to eat or sleep? A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology showed that social loss, like a breakup, triggers the same neural pathways as physical pain. So when you say you're "hurting," it’s not just a figure of speech; your brain literally treats the breakup like a physical injury.
5. Feeding the Beast
The more you think about your ex, the stronger those neural pathways become. According to neuroscientists, the brain operates on a "use it or lose it" principle. So when you're constantly ruminating on your past relationship, you're feeding your emotional addiction. The principle of "neurons that fire together, wire together" applies here. The more you think about your ex, the stronger the neural connections become.
Breaking the Cycle
Step 1: Acceptance
Recognising you have an issue is the first step in neuroscience-backed methods of change. Your brain is wired to seek pleasure, but acknowledgment is the first step in rewiring those cravings.
Step 2: De-Pedestalise Your Ex
Realise they're human, flawed, like everyone else. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques suggest listing out your ex's flaws to combat idealisation. Keep this list handy for moments of weakness.
Step 3: Nix the 'If Only' Thoughts
Research in the Journal of Experimental Psychology showed that 'what if' thoughts can spiral into dissatisfaction and regret. Keep your focus on the present moment and the reality that exists. Blaming yourself only feeds the cycle.
Step 4: Stop Self-Shaming
A 2016 study in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that forgiving yourself after a breakup is crucial for emotional well-being. It wasn’t your fault they cheated or lied; your responsibility now is to heal.
Step 5: Surrender and Seek Support
Sometimes we all need a little help from our friends. Don't hesitate to seek emotional support when you need it.
In Closing
Remember, getting over your ex isn't just a psychological battle; it's a biochemical one. To truly break free, you need to replace old, addictive patterns with healthier habits and positive connections. And remember, while love might seem like a drug, the best cure is often self-love and time.
Until next week!
Nicole is a certified trauma-informed dating and relationship coach who specialises in helping people navigate the complex world of modern love and dating as well as attract and cultivate healthy relationships. Her areas of focus include mindset, attachment, trauma, relationship patterning, inner child and abandonment wounds, communication, conflict management, trust issues, confidence, co-dependency, boundary work, breakups, and infidelity.
